Have No Shame Read online

  Maggie grabbed my hand and squeezed. “Pix, do you like these?” The laugh she held at bay bubbled behind the back of her free hand.

  “I, um, I’m not sure. They’re not really beige, are they?”

  “Well, we could go with gold,” Mrs. Watson offered.

  “Gold?” Mama asked.

  “Yes, gold.”

  “That’s a little flashy, don’t you think, Mama?” I said.

  Maggie chimed in, “Well, you could change your whole weddin’ to be gold and white. You could even put gold glitter on the cake.”

  The ridiculousness of the comment tickled my ribs and I stifled a snort, which spurred Maggie’s laughter.

  “And you could wear gold shoes!” Maggie chortled.

  Laugher burst from my lips. Maggie fell over in my lap in a fit of giggles. Mama tried to rein us in.

  “Girls!” she chided. “Girls, don’t be disrespectful.”

  My belly hurt from laughter. I saw the sparkle in Mama’s eyes, right before she swallowed hard and turned a stern face and a strong apology to Mrs. Watson. Maggie and I folded our hands in our laps and choked back our giggles.

  We were led out the door five minutes later with instructions to return only when sincere decisions were to be made.

  We drove into town in silence. Mama glanced at us every few minutes with a look of disbelief. I waited for her to lecture us, especially Maggie, who really should have known better.

  Mama parked the car in front of the drugstore and turned in her seat to face Maggie. “Gold shoes?” she said, then laughed.

  I held my breath, waitin’ for her to stop laughin’, but she didn’t, which made me laugh, then Maggie chimed in, “Don’t forget the gold gloves!”

  Mama threw her head back with a loud laugh, mouth wide, eyes tearin’ up. She wrapped her arm around her stomach and bent over the steerin’ wheel in a fit of giggles. Never before had I witnessed Mama laugh so unabashedly, and though I didn’t know it was possible, Mama looked even more beautiful.

  “Aren’t you mad, Mama?” I asked.

  She cleared her throat, looked in the mirror and patted her hair, then said. “Mad? No. Embarrassed? Yes. You know the whole town will be talkin’. She’ll probably pray for the two of you in her Monday night prayer group, to rid you of the evil influences that abound.” Mama climbed out of the car and we followed her.

  “Mama, can we wait out here?” Maggie pulled me toward a wooden bench in front of the buildin’.

  Sugar maple trees lined the sidewalk. The street bustled with Saturday shoppers from neighborin’ towns. Saturdays were “town” days for most local folks. Errands were run and friends visited. I watched with new interest the way the colored folks kept their eyes low and pulled their children toward them as they hurried down the sidewalk. For the first time, I noticed the glances they cast behind them as they walked toward the back of the diner, and the way the little children hung onto the front glass window with longin’ in their eyes. Then I noticed somethin’ that turned my stomach. The slight lift of the chin from the white folks as they passed the coloreds, a snub so small it’s not surprisin’ I missed it for so many years. A snub so small I was certain the coloreds felt it like a momentary disappearance of the air they breathed.

  I thought of Clara Bingham bein’ chased out of town, and wondered if she was missin’ this side of Forrest Town or if she was happy to bid farewell to the chin snubs. I hoped she’d found a better place in Mississippi, but if you only know one place for so many years, I can’t imagine it would be easy to start over somewhere else.

  Maggie watched a little colored boy standin’ on his tiptoes, beggin’ his short and stout mother for ice cream. She tried to pull the toddler from the window, speakin’ in crisp whispers. Maggie’s smile faded and she stood and grabbed my arm.

  “Come on,” she said.

  In the diner, Maggie purchased a vanilla ice cream cone with money I didn’t know she had. She walked back outside, bent down, and handed the cone to the boy with the enormous, dark eyes and tight, black tendrils. The little boy reached for it with a squeal. His mother pulled him out of Maggie’s reach and into her arms.

  “No, thank you,” she said, her eyes dartin’ from side to side.

  An elderly couple slowed to watch as the mother took a step backwards.

  Maggie stepped closer, the ice cream held out in front of her. “Take it. It’s a gift for the baby.”

  The child reached for the cone, “Want it!”

  His mother stepped further away from Maggie. “Thank you, ma’am,” she said, her eyes on Maggie’s feet. “No, thank you. Please.” Her eyes begged to be left alone. A murmur rose from the bystanders.

  Maggie’s lips formed in a tight line. She turned to the gatherin’ crowd. “It’s an ice cream cone. He’s a child.” She thrust the ice cream toward the woman.

  The woman hurried away. The child screamed in her arms, his hands outstretched over his mother’s shoulder.

  Maggie walked right up to the group of people who lingered with mumbles of “wrong” and “nigger lover.”

  Just as Mama stepped out of the drug store, Maggie thrust the ice cream cone at the bystanders and said through gritted teeth, “They’re people. People! Not niggers, or any less worthy than you.” She pointed at a heavy-set man. “Or her.” She pointed at a toddler in a white woman’s arms.

  “Margaret Lynn!” Mama’s face was as red as the sunset, her eyes as angry and ashamed as if Maggie had walked outside naked. She grabbed Maggie’s arm in one hand, holdin’ a bag of groceries in the other, and pulled her toward the car repeatin’, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” to the crowd.

  I followed on Mama’s heels, in awe of Maggie’s courage.

  Chapter Eleven

  The clinkin’ of forks to plates in between stretches of chewin’ filled our dinin’ room that evenin’. Tension mounted with every bite for everyone, it seemed, except Maggie. My father had yet to look at either of us. Jake stared at Maggie, his nose down, irises ridin’ atop the whites of his eyes. Only Maggie ate without any noticeable tension. Her shoulders didn’t ride up high, each cut of her knife was slow and careful. Every so often she looked up and smiled at me, shrugged at Daddy. I wondered what had happened in New York to make her not care about what our father thought, or what he might do. I worried that although Daddy wasn’t a whippin’ man, he might stop payin’ for Maggie to come home to visit, or even worse, not pay for her to go back to New York. All afternoon she’d acted as though nothin’ had happened in town. She and Mama baked bread while I worked on the weddin’ list, which was only about twenty-five people long, because I couldn’t think past the pencil-thin man in overalls who had called my sister a nigger lover. He had it wrong. I was the nigger lover.

  My father sat at the end of the table with the sleeves of his t-shirt pushed up, revealin’ his milk-white skin beneath and the tan line that all farmers sported. He chewed slow, determined, as if each bite held his full concentration.

  “Daddy, there’s an art course that’s gonna be given at the University of Mississippi that I’d like to take. I could work off the money on the farm.” Jake’s eyes were hopeful.

  My father looked at him, then wiped his mouth with a napkin and set it on the table next to his plate.

  Jake looked at Maggie, then shifted his eyes to his plate. “One of my teachers told me about it,” Jake continued. I had a feelin’ it was Maggie who told Jake about the class, but I knew better than to ask right then.

  My father looked at me, then back at Jake. “Art class? What a waste of money. Art class,” he laughed. “What on earth can someone do with an art class under his belt? Draw cartoons?”

  “No, sir.” Jake sat up tall. “I can do lots of things. I can learn to design buildin’s or—”

  “Pipe dreams, son. You stick with your business courses. You’ll do just fine.”

  “Daddy, what if Jake doesn’t want to be a—”

  My father cast harsh eyes on Maggie. He leaned f
orward, his elbows on the table, and said in a serious, dark tone, “I know what’s best for my children, includin’ you.”

  Maggie set her fork down and crossed her arms, meetin’ Daddy’s stare.

  “I heard about you today, little missy. Disgracin’ the family like that. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

  Maggie looked at Mama, who had conveniently begun clearin’ her plate, avoidin’ Maggie’s pleadin’ look.

  My father shook his fork in Maggie’s direction. “I don’t want you girls goin’ into town while Maggie’s home. There’s no good gonna come from what you did today.”

  “No good? Ashamed? Daddy, please, I tried to give a child an ice cream.” Maggie picked up her fork and poked at the green beans on her plate.

  My father stabbed a piece of meatloaf. “You listen to me, Margaret. You will not go into town. You’re leavin’ tomorrow night, and I don’t need anymore strife from you.”

  Maggie pushed her chair from the table. “It was an ice cream. He was a child, a little boy no different than Jake was as a child. How dare you—”

  “How dare I?” Daddy yelled. His chair shot out behind him as he sprung to his feet. A lump grew in my stomach heavy as lead.

  Please stop, Maggie, I silently pleaded.

  “Those people are not the same as Jake, or you, or me, or any of us.” He swung his arm around so hard I thought he might hit her. “Don’t you sass me, young lady.” He stood with his face two inches from Maggie’s.

  Tears burned in Maggie’s eyes. “Know my place, right Daddy? I’m a white girl so I should act like one?”

  Shut up, Maggie. Shut up! I clenched my hands into fists, prayin’ as hard as I could for Maggie to stop needlin’ Daddy. She didn’t catch my prayer.

  “I’ve seen other parts of the world, Daddy. I know about civil rights and I know that this damned town you live in is ass-backwards, and I’ll do whatever I can to fix that.”

  My father’s hand connected with Maggie’s cheek with a crack so sharp she stumbled backward. Mama flew between them, arms spread out wide.

  “Ralph! Stop!” It was a command, not a plea. She pushed Maggie behind her with the order to go upstairs. When Maggie remained, too stunned to move, a pink mark blossomin’ on her cheek and hatred glowin’ in her wide eyes, Mama said in a strong, even tone, “Go.”

  My father reached for Mama’s arm. I watched in horror as Mama’s eyes narrowed. Fear laced every fiber of my bein’. I couldn’t watch Mama get hit. Jake’s hands were on the table, elbows bent, like a cat ready to pounce.

  Mama lifted her chin just as those white folks had on the street, castin’ a silent warnin’ between them that could only be read by husband and wife. My father hesitated, then lowered his hand. His chest heaved up and down, his teeth clenched. To my relief and sorrow, he stormed out the front door. I flinched when the screen door slammed against the frame, makin’ a mental note to bring my books indoors before bed. There would be no sneakin’ out tonight.

  That night Maggie and I lay atop her blanket, our hands entangled, our breathin’ matched, the silence of the house pressin’ in on us.

  “I’m scared,” I whispered.

  “You shouldn’t be scared, Pix. You should be angry.” Maggie spoke with little to no emotion, as if she’d accepted the anger that had replaced our previously happy family.

  “I don’t know what to feel. Ever since I found Mr. Bingham, my whole life has gone crazy.”

  “What was it like? Findin’ him?” she asked.

  I thought about the moment I realized that what I’d thought was a lump of refuse was really a body. The memory seeped back in from the crevices of my mind where I’d tucked it away. I cried as I told Maggie about the bruisin’, his bloated body, and the way his eyes looked up toward the sky with a permanent shock of terror that I couldn’t look away from. I must have squeezed Maggie’s hand, because she yelped and turned on her side, facin’ me. She took her finger and moved my hair off of my forehead, the way Mama used to do.

  “I’m sorry you found him, Pixie. That must have been horrible.”

  A tear slipped down my cheek.

  “I wish I could bundle you up and take you back to New York with me. I hate leavin’ you here.”

  The weight of my life tumbled around me. Jackson swam in my heart and Jimmy Lee clawed at my mind. Maggie was pushin’ herself out of our family faster than a chicken chased by a fox, and Mama was standin’ up in ways I’d only imagined in my dreams—and it all felt so wrong. I put my hands on Maggie’s arms and curled into her, wishin’ I could climb beneath her skin and soak in her strength. She wrapped me in her arms and held me as I sobbed.

  Maggie didn’t ask me why I was cryin’, she didn’t try to fix what was wrong. She honored my sadness with patience, allowin’ me to lie against her beatin’ heart until my eyes were red and swollen, with no more tears to shed.

  Chapter Twelve

  By mid-afternoon, Mama was already wrist deep in apple peels. The kitchen was alive with the aroma of cinnamon and baked apples. It was Wednesday and Jackson would be returnin’ to his military service on Friday. I needed somethin’ to keep my mind off of him leavin’. Three days had passed since Maggie returned to New York with promises of weekly letters and bein’ home before the weddin’. And it had been exactly four days since I’d seen Jackson. I just couldn’t muster the courage to sneak out after what I’d witnessed between Daddy and Maggie. My heart pulled and fought me to see Jackson again, and I cringed with sadness every time I thought of him lookin’ for my library books on the porch. He must hate me by now, I was sure of it. But after the rift between Maggie and Daddy became a fissure that I wasn’t sure would ever close, I knew I wasn’t ready to take a stance and chase away my Daddy’s love to be with Jackson.

  Mama focused on the apple she was slicin’. She sighed, long and low.

  I pretended not to notice, figurin’ she’d tell me what was wrong when she was good ‘n ready.

  She finished corin’ and slicin’ the last apple, then removed the first batch of baked apples from the oven. I mixed the brown sugar, cinnamon, and honey in a big bowl, dippin’ my finger in for a taste of the sweet nectar before addin’ the butter.

  While Mama mixed the apples and the sauce together, I leaned against the counter, lickin’ my fingers and wonderin’ what I could do to mend Maggie and Daddy’s relationship.

  “Honey, wash your hands, please.”

  I turned on the water and glanced out the window over the sink. Albert had come back to work, although he wasn’t workin’ in the fields yet. He and Daddy stood by the barn. My father pointed to the tractor, and I looked in that direction, catchin’ sight of Jackson comin’ in from the furthest field alongside several other colored men, their arms heavy with containers of DDT, their faces glistenin’ with sweat. Smiles lifted their lips as they chatted back and forth, throwin’ a rag like a ball between them. They stopped their playful banter as they neared the barn.

  “Mama, shouldn’t we bring those boys some lemonade?” Seein’ Jackson opened the door to my heart that I’d closed out of fear.

  “Your father has water for them.”

  “But, couldn’t we bring them lemonade? On a day like today it might be more refreshin’.” I eyed the bowl of lemons on our counter.

  Mama put her hand on my shoulder and said, “It’s probably best if we don’t.”

  I spun around and asked her why.

  For a long time she just looked at me, measurin’ her response. “Well, when you were younger, your father didn’t want you takin’ them anything, because he worried for your safety; but I think if we do it together, it’d probably be just fine.”

  I made quick work of cuttin’ and squeezin’ lemons into several pitchers of ice water, dousin’ them with sugar, and makin’ sure the end result was sweet and refreshin’. We put the pitchers on trays and carried them outside just in time to greet the men as their day came to an end.

  I didn’t trust myself bein’ too near Jac
kson for fear of blushin’. I knew Mama would see the desire in my eyes. Fifteen young colored men grabbed glasses of lemonade. I was too young to be called ma’am, and yet these men, some just about my age, with fatigue in their eyes and sweat on their brows, treated me as if they knew the place Daddy had spoken of so often—my place.

  Some of the men were as slim as the day was long, holdin’ their glasses out for more of the cool drink. Their long arms bubbled with baseball-sized muscles. They gulped down a full glass worth in one swallow and set their glass back on the tray with a sincere measure of gratitude.

  Jackson stayed a respectable distance from me, acceptin’ a glass from Mama’s tray with a generous thank you. I watched him out of the corner of my eye. His eyes were cold and distant, locked on the fields beyond the house. Our fields, as I’d come to think of them. I swatted at a bug, awkwardness graspin’ at my movements. What had I done? Four days was too long. I hadn’t talked to Jackson since we’d made love, and now I worried that I’d never have a chance.

  I coughed, played with my hair, spoke too loudly, and still he didn’t look over. I told myself that Jackson would never take a chance of bein’ caught eyein’ me, then worried that he hadn’t wanted to. There was no secret smile, no symbolic gesture, and the absence of even the smallest acknowledgment hurt like a paper cut, swift and deep. Today, my books were goin’ on the rockin’ chair.

  Chapter Thirteen

  As soon as the house was silent, I tiptoed to my parents’ room and peeked in. They lay still, Daddy’s arm arced over his head, the other across his stomach. Mama slept with her back to him. I made my way silently downstairs and out the back door. As soon as the night air hit my lungs, any hesitation I’d felt the days before turned to determination. I might not be ready to give up Daddy’s love, but the hurt I felt that afternoon when Jackson shunned me made me realize that I wasn’t ready to give him up, either.