Have No Shame Read online

  The rows of plantin’s were thick and soft beneath my feet as I ran toward the creek. When I finally reached the end of the field’s grasp, I saw Jackson sittin’ on a rock beside the water, his back to me and his strong frame hunched forward. I ran to him, brushin’ his shoulder. He flinched beneath my touch.

  “Hi,” I said, out of breath.

  He nodded. He didn’t move toward me, he didn’t reach for my hand.

  I crouched before him and touched his knee. “Hey, you okay?” When he didn’t answer, I said, “I missed you.”

  He nodded again, then sat up tall. “I’m leavin’ tomorrow.”

  “Tomorrow? That’s only Thursday. I thought you were leavin’ Friday.” It was too soon. One day. One day wasn’t enough.

  He shrugged. “Tomorrow, Friday, what’s the difference?”

  “A day. A full twenty-four hours.”

  He stood and crossed his arms. “Right, and what’s the big deal about that?”

  I shook my head. “What do you mean? Don’t you want to be with me?”

  “Me?” he raised his voice. “Yes, I want to be with you, but you’ve made it clear how you feel. I haven’t heard from you in days.”

  My stomach tightened. I touched his arm, desire warmin’ my throat. “I’m sorry.” It was the truth, I was sorry. “I couldn’t get away.” I’m too weak.

  “I’m sorry? Is that all it takes for you? Well I don’t know how you treat Jimmy Lee, but that’s not enough. We…” He lowered his voice and pulled his shoulders back, like he was recoverin’ from sayin’ Jimmy Lee’s name and bringin’ him into our conversation. “We were close, and then you disappeared. How do you think that made me feel? I look at your porch everyday, hopin’ your books are there, and everyday I’m shut down like a used-up mule.”

  Hearin’ him say Jimmy Lee’s name was strange. I hadn’t thought about Jimmy Lee in days. I was too busy worryin’ about how to keep my family together, and the steps I needed to take to protect myself from losin’ them.

  “I’m sorry. I really, truly am. I’ve been confused.”

  “Yeah, well you’ll have four months to get unconfused, because that’s how long I’m gonna be gone, and when I’m out of the service, I’m goin’ straight to New York.”

  “Wait, I thought we were goin’ to New York together?” I heard the falseness of my words as they left my lips. I wouldn’t run away with him and leave my family behind. I couldn’t.

  He touched my arm, then, and said softly, “Alison, you’re not goin’ anywhere. You’re one of them. What we had—”

  Hot tears fell down my cheeks. He wiped them away, and I grabbed his hand and brought it to my lips. I kissed his palm, then rested my cheek on it. “I love you.”

  “Maybe, but if this is how you love, it’s not enough for me. I’ve been oppressed my whole life, held back by the ropes of color. I want to love for real. I want to know that whoever loves me will love me regardless of my color, regardless of what others think, and you can’t do that, not here.”

  “I could lose my family.”

  “I know.” He leaned down and kissed my forehead. I grabbed his waist and held on. His words were true, but they didn’t stop the ache in my heart. The cool night air stung my lungs as I sucked in a deep breath, hopin’ to dislodge the lump from my throat. “I can do it. I do love you.”

  “I know you do, but I watched you these last few days, avoidin’ the fields, avoidin’ me. I couldn’t think past your name, Alison. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. It’s killin’ me.”

  Our bodies trembled, mine from the fear of bein’ without him, and his, I was sure, from the truth his words carried.

  “No,” I cried, shakin’ my head and pullin’ away. “I want to be with you. Maybe I can do this.”

  “Alison, you’re gettin’ married in a few weeks. Maybe means you can’t do this.”

  “No,” I cried. “Be with me, I’ll show you. One more time, before you leave?”

  He shook his head. “You’re not mine. You never will be.”

  “It hurts too much. I want to be.” I wiped my eyes with my arm. “Will you write me? Through Albert? We can find a way, like my mama does with your mama?”

  Again, he shook his head. I dropped to my knees, the harsh sting of rejection stealin’ my strength. “I just made a mistake. I should’ve given you a message. I should’ve met you. I’m sorry. I was afraid. My sister had a fight with Daddy, and I was afraid he’d tell me to leave, too, if he found out.”

  “You’re right. He would have, and I would never forgive myself if he did. I love you. I will always love you. But I won’t steal you from another man, and I won’t be your hidden lover.” He came down on his knees. His lips met mine, soft and delicious.

  When our lips parted, my eyes remained closed. I knew that the moment I opened them what we had would be forever changed.

  “I don’t blame you one bit,” he whispered.

  I opened my eyes and saw tears in his.

  “Maybe I’ll see you when I visit Maggie?” I knew it would never happen.

  “Maybe,” he said. He held my hand and we sat there, on the side of the creek, the tricklin’ water movin’ by like the past few days, sure and steady.

  I touched his face, his eyes, his hair, his ears. I wanted to memorize every bit of him. His musky smell, his taste, sweet and ripe, the feel of his palms, soft like butter, yet peppered with callouses across the tops. I let my hands drop to his wide, solid hips. His hands moved down my shoulders, my arms warm beneath his touch. Moonlight streaked through the umbrella of trees, illuminatin’ the grass beside us. I wanted to fall asleep there beside him, and wake with his gentle caress. I wanted to make baked apples for him, and to take his mother a batch without havin’ to hide. More than anything, I wanted our love not to be forbidden.

  He pulled me to my feet, our chests touchin’. I pressed into him and felt his desire firm against my hip. He kissed away my tears.

  “You deserve a beautiful life,” he said. He turned and walked away, followin’ the creek toward town.

  “Jackson,” I called after him. He turned, and our eyes met. Mine, pleadin’ for him not to go, his knowin’ he had no choice. I blew him a kiss. He reached toward the sky and caught it, then put his hand to his heart. Run after him. My legs were rooted to the ground by my Daddy’s love. He disappeared into the darkness, takin’ a piece of my broken heart with him.

  Chapter Fourteen

  The weeks before the weddin’ passed painfully slow, like molasses from a Mason jar. Each breath took an insurmountable effort to push past my feelin’ of loss. I had created my own darkness by pushin’ Jackson away instead of followin’ my heart, and God knew how much I loved him, but I held a mantra in my mind that it was the right thing to do.

  I found myself longin’ for Maggie’s presence, but she hadn’t returned home from college at the end of her term. She stayed in New York to work as a secretary for a law firm. She’d written me a letter and confessed that she’d joined the Black Panthers, as she’d hoped to, and that the law firm that she was workin’ for was really into makin’ changes with civil rights. She made me promise not to tell Daddy. She said she was makin’ a difference, and I was happy for her, but every time I looked at her empty bed or brought up her name at the dinner table, a wave of despair settled in around me. Daddy wouldn’t even say her name, and in his silence, sadness pressed forward. The blue in his eyes dimmed with hurt. I couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to have him feel that way because of me.

  One day I snuck over to the side of the field where Albert Johns was workin’, and I’d asked him if Jackson had sent any letters for anyone. He’d taken two steps backwards, whippin’ his head around like we were doin’ somethin’ against the law—in a way we were, though the law was unwritten. Albert looked at me like I was crazy for talkin’ to him, and that’s when I knew there would be no letters. As much as I missed Jackson—and I surely did—I thought I’d made the right decision, no matter how sad it
made me.

  With my love for Jackson put on hold, and without Maggie around to sidetrack my thoughts, I finally gave in and chose a light pink for our weddin’ invitations, which seemed to please Mrs. Watson. Jimmy Lee had graduated from college, and although I was too sick the mornin’ of his graduation to attend, I was proud of him. I had high hopes that once he returned and was a workin’ man, instead of a schoolboy, he’d stop his crazy antics and settle down.

  Chapter Fifteen

  The mornin’ of my weddin’ arrived with a bout of nausea. Mama said it was just my nerves, and Maggie, who’d arrived the evenin’ before, held my hair back as I threw up the previous night’s dinner. My father had yet to say two words to her.

  “You’re sure about this, Pix?” she whispered when Mama left the bathroom.

  “I’m not you. This is best for me.” The inability to see Jackson made it that much easier to convince myself to start fresh with Jimmy Lee. Even if I didn’t love him the way I loved Jackson, and maybe I never would, I knew it was best if I stayed in my safe cocoon of a life. I didn’t have what it took to be on my own the way Maggie did. The comfort I drew from Daddy’s warm embrace, and his conditional admiration, no matter how unrealistic, was somethin’ that I cherished. There was no doubt in my mind that I needed Daddy in my life.

  We moved into the bedroom to prepare for my weddin’. I sat at the dressin’ table with my puffy eyes and pink nose, soakin’ in the tenderness of Maggie’s efforts as she combed through my hair.

  “Okay, but you know, the offer is still open for you to come to New York with me.” There was a sparkle in her eye that made me want to follow her anywhere. The thought of seein’ Jackson in New York excited me, then saddened me. I’d made my bed, and it was time to sleep in it.

  “I’m good, thanks, though.”

  “Will you at least visit me?” she asked.

  “Right after we’re settled.”

  “Promise?”

  “Promise.” And so it was set. I’d take the train to New York at the end of the summer. I was sure Jimmy Lee wouldn’t mind. He knew how close Maggie and I were. Maggie told me all about her job with Mr. Nash’s law firm. He was a civil rights activist and had warned Maggie about the Black Panthers, but she assured me that they had never done anything violent, he just worried they might. She said she’d remain safely behind closed doors with the families.

  “I won’t protest, don’t worry. I just want to do my part,” Maggie said.

  “I wish I could do somethin’ like that here, help the colored families to do little things, like eat in the diner.”

  “Little things?” Maggie said sarcastically. “That’s a huge thing, Pix.”

  “Girls, need any help?” Mama came into the bedroom in a flurry, nervously lookin’ around the room. She looked gorgeous in her blue dress with her hair brushed shiny and full away from her face.

  “We’ve got this, Mama,” Maggie said, zippin’ up my dress.

  I stood in the middle of the room in Mama’s weddin’ dress, which was less like a frilly weddin’ dress and more like a long, white ball gown. She’d hemmed it, and it fit like a sleeve, though noticeably tighter than it had when I’d first tried it on.

  “Is it too tight?” I worried.

  Mama ran her hand down my side, trailin’ the silky gown’s seam. “You’re just carryin’ five pounds of happy,” she said. “Brides gain or lose weight right before their weddin’, because they’re happy. They’ve caught their man and they relax a little bit.” She patted my cheek. “Glory be, you are a sight, Alison. Jimmy Lee is one lucky man.”

  Why the statement saddened me, I wasn’t sure. I thought I had moved past my indecision—or maybe I just hoped that I had.

  “Yes, he is, and he’d better remember that every day of your long life,” Maggie smirked.

  Mama embraced me. “My little girls are all grown up. Why, I’ll have no one left ‘round here.”

  “We’re only movin’ into town, Mama. It’s not like you’ll never see me. Besides, you have Jake here, remember?”

  A shadow crossed over Mama’s face, and I wondered what she was thinkin’ just then. She kissed my cheek and said, “I’ll go make sure your Daddy is ready. He’s all thumbs when it comes to tyin’ his tie.”

  There are times in our lives when everything comes together and we know we are exactly where we are supposed to be. My weddin’ day was not one of those days. I stood at the altar, facin’ Jimmy Lee, handsome in his black suit and crisp, white shirt. My stomach quivered as I looked into his eyes, recitin’ my vows. “I promise to love, honor, and cherish…” Love, honor, cherish. I could love him, yes, I knew I could. I had before, and once he stopped chasin’ down innocent boys, I’d surely love him again. Honor. I respected Jimmy Lee, well, at least most of the time I did. We’d had a long talk last week about how I felt that day at the river, when he was too rough, and he apologized and I could tell he meant it. It was easy to forgive him, we’d been together for so long that he knew just how to say all the right words to make me feel better, even if he didn’t do that unsolicited anymore. Did anyone after two years? Yes, I could honor him. Cherish was a more difficult concept for me to wrap my heart around. The pulse of my heart fought me on cherish. When I thought of the curved edges of that word, they were Jackson’s arms I felt around me. When I said the word out loud, I’m reminded of Jackson’s soft lips on mine, the way his body felt against me, the way he moved in slow, careful movements, lookin’ at me, not through me. Cherish was not a word my heart embraced with Jimmy Lee, but I said it all the same. It was my place, after all, as his wife.

  Jimmy Lee slipped the ring on my finger and my marriage became real. I was no longer Daddy’s little girl or Maggie’s little sister. I was Mrs. James Carlisle, and when Jimmy Lee kissed me to seal our union, I prayed to feel the same rush of love I felt for Jackson. I prayed for the heat to rush from the center of my stomach up to my chest and down my thighs. I hoped the kiss might rekindle the spark I once felt for him. I came away from that kiss, that start of our marriage, wonderin’ how I would ever find what I was hopin’ for.

  Chapter Sixteen

  We didn’t take a honeymoon because his uncle said Jimmy Lee needed to begin trainin’ for his position with the furniture store. Jimmy Lee hoped to plan a trip to Niagara Falls once we had enough money saved. I didn’t mind waitin’. I knew it would be forever before we could afford it, even if his uncle was fixin’ to pay for half of the trip.

  We fell into our married life like two kids playin’ house. Every mornin’ Jimmy Lee went to work and I cleaned, baked bread, planned dinners, and quickly grew bored. I wondered how Mama did it for all those years. After a few weeks, Mama suggested that I think about gettin’ a job in town, where I could walk to work, somethin’ part-time.

  “I make enough money,” Jimmy Lee argued. “You don’t need to work.”

  We were eatin’ dinner at our small kitchen table. I had spent the entire day inside, and I wasn’t used to bein’ so confined. I was tired all the time and hardly ever felt like eatin’. I was sure that it was because I missed the activity of daily life. I stared at the same white walls of our apartment day in and day out. I tried takin’ walks, but it wasn’t enough. I needed somethin’ more to pull me out of the funk I’d fallen into. Some days, it was hard for me to climb out of bed and when I finally made it to the kitchen to fix Jimmy Lee’s breakfast, the smell of his eggs cookin’ made me sick to my stomach.

  “I know you do. I just need a little somethin’ to do, Jimmy Lee. I’m in this apartment all day and night.”

  “Mama doesn’t work. Your mother doesn’t work.” He took a bite of the biscuits I’d made the evenin’ before, which weren’t nearly as flakey as Mama’s, but he didn’t seem to mind.

  “I know yours doesn’t, but mine does, on the farm, and besides, they had us to take care of. It’s just me here, all day, by myself.”

  “We’re not havin’ no baby, Alison. Not yet, at least.”

 
I sighed. Why didn’t he ever listen to me? “I don’t want a baby, Jimmy Lee, I just want a part-time job where I can talk to people and get out of the apartment for a few hours each day.” Nausea rose in my throat. I swallowed against it. Nerves.

  He wiped his mouth and stood to leave. “Do what you want to, but just make sure you’re home every night early enough to make dinner. I work hard. A man needs to eat.”

  Already plannin’ my outfit for my day of applyin’ for jobs, I agreed. Even his chauvinistic comment couldn’t damper the renewed energy the idea brought with it.

  Each store held the promise of somethin’ new and excitin’. My legs were tired as lead, but as I looked in the windows of each shop, new energy filtered in. I looked back toward our apartment and wondered what Daddy would think of my workin’ part time. I asked myself, What would Maggie do? Maggie wouldn’t have thought about Daddy in the first place. I checked my blouse and hair in my reflection in the window of the diner, thinkin’ about the little boy and the ice cream cone he wasn’t allowed to accept. I took a deep breath to quell my nerves, and walked through the door, and nearly bumped right into Mrs. Tempe, who was holdin’ an orange and black Help Wanted sign.

  “Oh, I’m so sorry.”

  “Alison! Why that’s okay, darlin’, I was just headin’ up front to hang this old sign. Marla left on account of her movin’ outta town next week.” Her yellow and white waitress uniform fit snug against her thick curves. Her short, brown hair curled so perfectly in tiny rings around her face it was like she had invisible rollers holdin’ them in place.

  “I didn’t mean to run you over like that,” I said.

  “Oh, honey, you couldn’t run me over if you tried, you’re such a tiny, little thing.” She waved her hand up and down. “I guess I oughta call you Mrs. Carlisle now, huh, sugar?”

  “It’s strange, havin’ a new last name. I’m not really used to it yet.”