Flames of Love Page 9

  “Don’t you think I would if I could? Don’t you think I want my life back?” Cash sat up straighter. “When I’m not one hundred percent prepared and doing the goddamn right thing, and when I know those guys are worried about me being a hotshot, I feel pathetic. But goddamn it, Chief. I got their backs, and they have to know that. I’ve got less to lose. They’ve got wives and girlfriends, and if someone needs rescuing and it’s a little risky, who better than me to take it?”

  “I know you feel that way.”

  “I’d give my life for any of them.”

  “Absolutely.”

  Cash lifted his brows.

  “That’s why I’m giving you a choice. They respect the hell out of you, but if you don’t fix this shit, and you end up on the desk, they’ll ride you like a girl.”

  “I thought I’d be over this shit in a week, maybe two, but it’s killing me.” Coming clean to the chief felt like a great weight lifted from Cash’s shoulders. Coming head-to-head with a choice made him feel like he was sinking under a new weight. “Choice?”

  “That’s right. I’ve talked to Regan.”

  “Regan? What the hell for?” Ari Regan ran the New York City Fire Academy and was one of the fiercest, most ornery men Cash had ever run into.

  “To figure this shit out. I figured that if Patti couldn’t help you, then you needed tougher love.” He circled his desk and pulled a folder from the top drawer, then slid it across the desk to Cash. “Here’s your choice. Figure it out and fix this shit now. And when you’re in the fire, you use your goddamn breathing pack, you hear me?”

  “I hate that fucking thing.”

  “I don’t give a shit. You’re risking your life, which means you’re risking the lives of the team. Whatever you need—another therapist, time off—you tell me. If you can’t rein in your risk taking, I’ll have no choice but to put you on desk duty. Formally. We change your position. Everyone’s aware what’s what and knows what to expect, who’s going to be where. That’s important for morale and for structure.”

  “Or?”

  “Or you’re back with Regan—three times each week until you’ve got this behavior under control.” He lowered himself into the chair beside Cash and softened his tone. “Listen, what you’re going through isn’t new. It’s not like no one else has gone through it. Remember when Mike found that four-year-old in the closet? Or when Tyrone thought he got to that twenty-seven-year-old guy, and he died in his arms? Death happens. It sucks. It’s not easy to deal with, but, Cash, it’s up to you to decide how much of your life you let this steal.”

  “And how is retraining with Regan supposed to help me? I can fight a fire blindfolded, and you know it.”

  “Damn right I know it, and so does Regan. But what’s going on inside your mind has nothing to do with skill or reflexes.” He pointed to his head. “It’s all up there, and until you beat that very real beast, you put every man in our unit at risk. Regan’s good. He’s helped guys through this before, and he’s succeeded.”

  “Tough love.”

  “The toughest damn love you’ll ever know.” Chief Weber shrugged. “Choice is yours.”

  There was no question in Cash’s mind about what he wanted to do for the next thirty years. He just wasn’t sure even a hard-ass like Regan could stop the strangling of guilt that had been his constant companion since the fire. But the idea of training with a bunch of rookies was causing his gut to twist into a knot.

  “I don’t suppose Regan would be planning on doing this solo?” Not his style. Regan would humiliate the shit out of him just for fun if he wasn’t there for help. The fact that he was going to rely on Regan would only give the guy more reason to mess with his head.

  Chief Weber rose to his feet again. “Not a chance in hell.”

  ’Course not. He scrubbed his hand down his face, thinking of his date with Siena. She was tough as nails, and if he didn’t know her, but knew she dated a firefighter who put his unit at risk, he’d almost feel sorry for her. She deserved a man who always did the right thing.

  “There’s nothing I can’t beat, this goddamn gorilla on my back included.”

  Chief Weber smacked him on the back. “That’s the Cash I know.”

  He narrowed his eyes at the chief.

  Chief Weber grabbed his keys from the desk. “Don’t look at me like that. I knew which way you’d go.”

  Cash left his office and headed for his locker, feeling the pressure of goddamn Regan breathing down his back. He grabbed the box of photos, intending to throw a few more into the photo album, but the magazine lured him in. He picked it up and flipped through to Siena’s picture. He studied her eyes as he’d done the evening before, and this time, he didn’t see a hint of loneliness in them. He saw a woman who was exactly where she wanted to be, and he had no idea what that could possibly mean.

  SIENA HAD BEEN staring at the gift registry for what felt like hours, and she still had no idea what to get Savannah for her bridal shower. She clicked to the next set of gifts on the kiosk and felt her mother’s hand on her shoulder.

  “Want to try another store?” Joanie Remington ran her hand gently along Siena’s shoulders. “You’re so tense. Is everything all right?”

  “Yeah.” No.

  “Uh-oh.” She gently turned Siena to face her. They had the same electric-blue eyes and stood nearly eye to eye, but while Siena wore a pair of boot-leg jeans, heeled boots, and a designer waist-length, double-breasted jacket, her mother wore a pair of wide-legged wool pants and two layers of cotton shirts beneath a long cotton sweater. She wore her long gray hair loose, adding to the bohemian style she was known for. Joanie was an artist through and through. She had a tender but very direct way of approaching Siena and her siblings when they were having a hard time, and Siena knew from the sound of her voice that she’d read her like an open book.

  Siena feigned a smile. “It’s nothing. I’m fine.”

  “Fine…” She took Siena’s hand and headed out of the store and onto the street. “Fine is not a way of life. Fine is something that we are when we wish we were something else.” She opened the door of the next store and they headed for the women’s section. “Do you have any idea what you want to get Savannah for her bridal shower? I’m at a total loss. I mean, what do you get a lawyer who isn’t materialistic? The two don’t seem as though they jive, do they?” She laughed.

  Jewel had called Siena that morning and told her to expect Gunner Gibson, the quarterback of the New York Furies, to pick her up at seven on Friday. She’d tried again to get out of the date, but Jewel talked her into it. Again. This is your career. Don’t fight battles that will make you lose if you win. After kissing Cash, going out with Gunner was even less appealing than it had been the first time Jewel had brought it up.

  “I don’t have any idea what to get her. She doesn’t ever ask for a thing, except for time with Jack.” Which Jack wanted as much as she did. “They’re happy, right, Mom?”

  “Jack and Savannah?” She laughed softly. “They’re so perfectly suited for each other. I can’t imagine either one ever being happier. Don’t you think so, or am I missing something?”

  “No. I know they are. We met for drinks the other night, and you can see it when they’re together. They’re always holding hands. He watches out for her like he watches out for me.”

  “Which you sometimes hate.”

  “Maybe. But I still love it.”

  “Maybe we’re wasting our time shopping for Savannah in the city. Maybe we should focus on something she can’t find here.” Her mother tapped her lip, her brows drawn together.

  “I have an idea of something she might like, but I don’t know if it’s appropriate for a bridal shower.” Siena stopped to look at a sweater. “I feel like she can buy anything she wants, so whatever we buy, while it’s nice, it’s not really…I don’t know. Special? What about putting together a photo album with pictures of Jack from when he was growing up, and we can get pictures of her from her dad, and we can ma
ke kind of a side-by-side album of where they were in each phase of their lives when they weren’t together.”

  Her mother’s eyes lit up. “I like that, but what about Linda?”

  “Well, I thought about that, and I guess I was thinking that we could make a single page to cover those years and title it The In-Between Years, or something like that. And while I wouldn’t put Linda in those pictures, I think we could put pictures of Jack in the Special Forces, and then maybe at the bottom of the page, you know that picture that you have of Jack sitting on the boulder in your backyard?”

  “The one taken after Linda died, when he was so devastated?”

  “Yeah, that’s the one. That would be the only reminder of what happened, and then we put pictures from when they met and since. You’ve talked with Savannah about all that. You know she feels like they were brought together at the right time for them. That if they’d gotten together ten years earlier, they wouldn’t have been the people they were now and all that.” Siena expected her mother to say it was too morose of an idea, or too much of a painful reminder for Jack—or even Savannah. “It’s okay if you think it’s stupid, Mom. It was just an idea.”

  “I think it’s brilliant. There’s a shop around the corner that makes wooden photo albums that are worthy of mantels and coffee tables. Want to go take a look? If you want, we could even get one that’s unfinished and I could paint it.” They headed back outside.

  “That sounds perfect. From the heart.” Like Cash giving me his coat. Siena pulled her jacket closed against the frigid air. Cash’s voice sailed through her mind. Maybe I need to give you a little lesson in being prepared. She’d like him to give her something all right, but it had nothing to do with preparedness.

  “Feel better now that you have that figured out?”

  Siena hadn’t been one of those teenagers who lied to her parents. She wasn’t a saint, but her parents had brought her up to be honest above all else. And now, as she heard the concern in her mother’s voice, she felt ashamed for agreeing to go out with Gunner. At the same time, it wasn’t like she was crossing any moral lines. At least that’s what she’d been telling herself since Jewel called. Being with her mother had her rethinking that stance.

  “It wasn’t that.” Siena slowed by a coffee shop. “Can we grab a warm cup of coffee and talk a minute?”

  “Sure, honey. Whatever you’d like.”

  After getting their drinks and settling in at a table, Siena readied herself to talk about the situation that had been nibbling away at her nerves.

  “Mom, how do I know where to draw the line with my career? I mean, we’ve talked about the bigger stuff, and you know I’d never sleep with some guy to get ahead or anything like that, but what about the gray areas?”

  Her mother reached across the table and touched her hand. “Gray areas? Siena, what exactly are you contemplating?”

  Siena’s phone vibrated. “Sorry, Mom. Just a sec.” She read the text from Cash. Hi. It’s Cash. Still on 4 tonight? She felt her cheeks lift into a smile as she texted back. Duh. I have ur name and number in my phone. Yes, still on. Unless u want to blow me off. She pushed her hair over her shoulder and met her mother’s gaze as she arched a brow.

  “What?” Siena felt her cheeks flush, knowing Cash would fume when he saw, duh, in the text.

  Her mother smiled. “Nothing.” She glanced at the phone in Siena’s hand. “Okay, gray areas, right?”

  “Oh, right.” Focus on Mom, not Cash. Or the amazing kiss. Oh my God. I can’t focus. Shit. It was much more fun to think of teasing Cash than to tell her mother about what she’d agreed to do. She took a sip of her coffee, sensing her mother’s patience growing thin. Time to rip off the Band-Aid. “Jewel wants me to date an athlete.”

  “Why on earth would she want you to do that? Does she have someone in mind?”

  Siena glanced around the busy coffee shop, then leaned forward and spoke quietly. “Gunner Gibson. She thinks it will get me more modeling jobs and ensure longevity.”

  “I have no idea who that is, but, Siena, you work all the time. You seem to always have jobs lined up. Is there something I’m not seeing? Are you losing modeling opportunities for some reason?”

  “No.” Her phone vibrated. “Sorry, Mom. Last one. Promise.” She read the text from Cash. I forgot. I have to work. Sorry. Maybe another time. Siena’s jaw dropped open. She read the message again. And again. Then she put her phone down on the table with an audible groan.

  “Problem?”

  “No,” she snapped. He’s blowing me off? Fine. I didn’t want to go out with him anyway. The big pain in the butt. Her phone vibrated and she glanced at her mother, who waved at the phone. Siena rolled her eyes and pressed her lips together, furious with herself for even thinking that there was more to that arrogant man. She read another text from Cash. Just controlling the flames. Lol. Does 7 work?

  “Ugh!”

  “What is it?” her mother asked.

  “Nothing,” she said sharply as she texted back. Fine. Don’t b late. She pressed the send button, then decided to mess with him right back, and she texted again. And don’t come early, either. I hate when men do that.

  Let him stew over that for a while.

  “Whatever you’re texting about must be pretty steamy. You’re blushing.” Her mother sipped her coffee and raised her brows.

  “What? No.” Yes. Sometimes she forgot how observant her mother was. “Gray areas. Let’s focus on those.” And not think of Cash and coming in the same sentence again. She explained why Jewel wanted her to date Gunner.

  “And what do you want to do? If you date this man, Gunner, what does that tell the world? And why do they care so much? That always baffles me.”

  “I don’t want to do it, but you know how this industry works. It’s all about who you’re seen with. Remember when you met Josh Braden—Savannah’s brother, the fashion designer? Remember how he said he was sick of the same thing before he met Riley?” Before reuniting with his childhood crush, Riley Banks, and subsequently hiring and then falling in love with her, Josh had dated the type of women a man of his social status was expected to date, and he’d hated it. He and Riley had the same small-town family values and the same interests.

  Her mother nodded, and Siena continued. “It’s part of the fashion world. It’s part of acting, modeling, and probably the sports industry, too. In fact, Jewel might have some sort of deal with his agent because it’ll probably do just as much for his visibility as for mine.” Her phone vibrated, and she slid it from the table to her lap to read the text from Cash.

  Would u blow me if I did?

  Siena gasped. What the hell? Her phone vibrated again and again in rapid succession. She scrolled through the texts.

  Off! Damn phone! Blow me off!!!

  I hate phones. Seriously. I’d never say that.

  4Get it. Mortified.

  Siena laughed.

  “Okay, now that’s just rude. You either have to share those texts, which I’m assuming you have no inclination of doing since your cheeks are bright red, or you have to tell me what’s going on. I didn’t come out with you today to watch you text with someone else.” Her mother’s words were firm, but her eyes were smiling.

  “Let me tell him I’m shutting off my phone.” She texted quickly. With my mom 4 lunch. Looking forward to 7! She put her phone in her purse and sighed again, this time a happy, relieved sigh. “I met this guy, and that’s who’s texting. We’re going on our first date tonight, but he walked me home last night, and he’s the guy who…” She remembered that she hadn’t told her mother about the car accident.

  “Would this be the fireman?”

  “Is nothing sacred in our family?” Siena knew the Remington grapevine would reach her parents about her accident and about Cash, but she hadn’t thought it would happen that quickly.

  “Jack came by to talk to your father, and he mentioned that he’d met you and your brothers for drinks. You know Jack.”

  “So wh
y didn’t you say something earlier? And what did Jack say, exactly?”

  “I figured you’d tell me what you wanted me to know when you were ready. Jack said he met him. Cash, right? And that he didn’t find him to be an ass.” Her mother reached out and touched her hand. “Is he why you’re so upset about the whole dating an athlete thing?”

  “No, Mom. He’s not.” She leaned back against the seat and rubbed her temples. “Maybe a little, but not really. I didn’t even have this date scheduled when Jewel told me I needed to do it. And I can’t tell anyone that the date’s not real, so please don’t, because then I’d get bad press.” She leaned forward and spoke in a harsh whisper. “It’s such a mess. If I go, everyone thinks we’re dating, which shouldn’t really matter, but I know it’s not true, and that bothers me. Then there’s Cash, who drives me insane half the time because he’s arrogant and cocky…”

  “Then why accept a date?”

  “Because he’s also so much more than I ever imagined, so I wonder why he’s so arrogant and cocky. I keep going back to Jack and how he was when he met Savannah. I mean he was borderline mean. Not that Cash is mean.” She groaned again. “I can’t explain it. He challenges me, and I challenge him right back, and I have no idea why I do it, but it’s fun.”

  “Uh-huh.” Her mother leaned back and crossed her arms over her chest. “And how is he so much more?”

  “Every way possible. Like when we were walking home, he actually took off his coat and put it on me. Hat and gloves too, and I didn’t even ask for them. That sounds stupid now, but last night it was really romantic. Or it seemed that way.” She furrowed her brow. “Oh God, am I wrong?”

  Her mother laughed again. “Look at you all tied up over a man. I’m not sure I’ve seen this side of you before. At least not as an adult.”

  Siena rolled her eyes again, a common occurrence when she was with her family. “Am I wrong about him being romantic? He saw my teeth chattering and bought me hot chocolate, and last night on the subway he—”