Have No Shame Read online

  “Tell Sharon to heat the towels.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” The door closed with a hurried clank!

  “How did you,” pant, pant, “know where I was?” pant, pant, I asked Maggie.

  “Albert told me he sent someone to tell Patricia that you were sick, and when I couldn’t find you, I knew she’d taken care of you.” Maggie kissed my forehead. “Pixie, I would never have let you go if I’d known that was gonna happen.”

  “That’s what happens when brothers get angry.” Patricia kept one hand anchored to my calf. “I heard that they were the group from up north. They were tryin’ to get a jump on the snipers. I guess the jump was on them.” Patricia shook her head. “This nonsense has gotta stop. There’s gotta be a way.”

  “This will help. I’m sure of it. There’s only a handful of police in this area. They can’t hold everyone back.” Maggie said.

  Another contraction sent the baby’s head down between my legs. “Get it out!” I screamed. I could feel Patricia pullin’ and proddin’ the baby, wigglin’ its shoulders until suddenly there was a burst of freedom and the baby slid out from inside me with a whoosh of relief.

  “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.” Patricia stared down at the baby.

  “What?” I cried. “What? What’s wrong?” I grabbed Maggie’s hand. “Is the baby okay? I can’t hear it. The baby’s not cryin’!”

  I held Maggie so tight she couldn’t move to see the baby.

  “Child, you in trouble now.” Patricia worked down below cleanin’ the baby. She called for Sharon, who rushed in with fresh towels in her arms.

  “Goodness!” Sharon shrieked. She handed the towels to Patricia, who caught her eyes and frowned.

  “That’s enough now,” Patricia said in a harsh tone.

  Sharon looked at me, then back at the baby. “I heated the towels with the iron, they’re nice and warm.”

  Patricia bundled the baby and told Sharon to come into the room and close the door. “It’s a boy. You’ve got a son,” Patricia said. I sensed fear in her tone.

  “What’s goin’ on?” I demanded. “Maggie!” I dropped her arm and struggled to sit up.

  Maggie slid off the end of the bed next to Patricia. The baby’s cries came in quick, sharp bursts.

  “Oh, thank God. Thank God.” I cried, and fell back on the pillow.

  “Pixie?” Maggie said. She squeezed behind Patricia and Sharon and leaned down to speak to me, inches from my face. “Pixie, who is the father of your baby?” she whispered.

  Had she lost her mind? “What kinda question is that? Jimmy Lee is the father!”

  “Look at me, Pix. It’s me. You can trust me. Who is the father of this baby?” She turned her head toward Patricia and I followed her gaze to my bundled baby held close to Patricia’s chest. Patricia leaned forward, and my baby’s jet black hair, and skin as smooth and dark as cocoa, came into view. I didn’t fully understand what all the fuss was about, until Patricia brought the baby closer to me, and I saw my baby’s wide-set nose and full lips. Even through the tiny slit of his eyes I saw the resemblance to his father.

  “Girl, you cannot take this baby home. They’ll kill you, your baby, and the baby’s father.” Patricia put her hand on the baby’s chest and whispered, “A blessin’ and a life sentence, all in one.”

  “They can’t touch his father. He’s already dead.”

  Chapter Forty-Three

  Even with the madness takin’ place just a mile down the road, with Joshua at my breast, I felt the pieces of my life come together in a way that I never understood they could. The baby I had carried and felt was separate from me, a bein’ made not of love, but of duty, had instantly latched onto my heart and made me whole. This wasn’t a baby of duty at all. Joshua was made from the very essence of love.

  Maggie sat on the side of the bed, her hands on her knees, her face a mask of worry. “I don’t understand, Pixie. How? When?”

  “Before I got married,” I admitted.

  Maggie shook her head. “Then, why did you marry Jimmy Lee?”

  “You can’t blame her,” Patricia said. “Love can only endure so much. Imagine your father if she said she was in love with a colored man. Imagine her life. Girl, there was no way this could’ve come to be.” Patricia had cleaned up the baby, and she’d sent Sharon out back with a plastic bag containin’ the bloodied sheets, towels, and the afterbirth. She was to bury the whole mess in the back yard.

  “You can’t take this baby home, Pix,” Maggie said. “Jimmy Lee will kill you, you know that.”

  “What am I supposed to do, leave my baby here?”

  “Pixie, remember Mr. Bingham? His wife? Remember what’s goin’ on down the street? No way, Pix, no way you’re leavin’ this house with that baby.”

  “I’m not leavin’ my Joshua.”

  “Joshua?” Maggie asked.

  “Joshua.”

  Maggie leaned against the wall, arms crossed. “You can’t even support a baby alone, and what do you think’s gonna happen? Jimmy Lee’s gonna raise another man’s baby? A colored man’s?” Maggie covered her face and let out a long, frustrated, guttural groan. “This is a mess.”

  “That’s my grandson. You leave that baby with me. You go on home and tell your husband your baby died.”

  “Died? No, I won’t do it.” I held Joshua close against me and cried. “No way. No.”

  Patricia sat next to me on the bed. “Now you listen here, I have lost one child to this backwards world and I’m not losin’ a grandson—or you. Jackson loved you. Do you think he wants you to die because of his seed?”

  No. I can’t do it. I can’t leave him.

  “Look into that baby’s face. Is that the face of a white baby?” Patricia asked.

  I lowered Joshua from my shoulder and looked at his beautiful, dark eyes, the too-dark shade of his skin. I touched his cheek and I felt complete, happy.

  “Maggie, I can’t do it,” I pleaded.

  Maggie shook her head as if, for once, she didn’t have an answer. She climbed back onto the bed beside me and put her arm around me. I laid my head against her chest, Joshua in my arms, and cried. Maggie brushed my hair away from my face.

  “Shh,” she soothed. “We’ll figure this out.”

  I shook my head. “How? There’s no figurin’ this out. Jackson’s dead, Jimmy Lee is just plain awful, and—” Daddy. What about Daddy? He’d disown me for sure.

  “I’m gonna leave you two to discuss this, but our time is short. That nonsense goin’ on out there ain’t gonna last all day, and someone’s gonna be lookin’ for that pregnant girl.”

  Chapter Forty-Four

  When I told Jimmy Lee that our baby died, I think he was relieved. He didn’t ask to see him. He sat on the couch starin’ straight ahead, not lookin’ at me, not holdin’ me, just starin’ ahead like he was watchin’ a picture show.

  Maggie had come up with a plan to pretend to bury the baby in our family plot on Daddy’s farm. She said we couldn’t bring Mama into the plan, because we’d be puttin’ her in the terrible position of havin’ to lie to Daddy, and two liars in the family were enough. Mama was shoulderin’ enough burdens for any woman. I didn’t want to do it—keep the secret from Mama or pretend to bury Joshua—but I didn’t see any other way around the situation. Maggie bundled a doll that belonged to one of Patricia’s children, put it in a cardboard box, and taped it up; then, she wrapped the box in blue paper, and even sealed it with a bow. She’d gone back home the night of the boycott to tell my parents what had happened. She said Daddy lugged his biggest shovel down to the plot and dug a hole, stoppin’ often to wipe tears with his sleeve. Maggie sat in the truck and watched him, holdin’ the box safely on her lap.

  Mama showed up at my apartment twenty minutes later.

  “Oh, my baby. My poor baby,” she cried, holdin’ me so tight I could barely breathe. Her wet cheek pressed hard against mine, her chest heavin’ with sobs. She pulled back, fresh tears in her eyes. I thought I had no more tears le
ft in me, but seein’ Mama’s tears, and knowin’ that my lies had caused them, made my tears flow like a river.

  She reached out and touched Jimmy Lee’s shoulder. “Are you okay, hun?” she asked.

  Jimmy Lee shook his head. “I’m not sure we were ready for a baby anyway.”

  “No one’s ever ready, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less when you lose your child.”

  He turned to her and said, “I’m not sure. Maybe it does.” He stood and walked into the bedroom, leavin’ Mama’s jaw hangin’ open in dismay. When the bedroom door thumped shut, Mama whispered, “Oh, honey. I’m so sorry. He’s…ugh…forget about him. What can I do to help you?”

  Let me love my baby.

  Chapter Forty-Five

  The next day after Jimmy Lee went to work, I went outside and walked to the edge of town. Every muscle in my body ached. It felt like a basketball had been ripped out from between my legs. My breasts were full and achy, and I longed to see Joshua. I wanted to hold him in my arms and tell him how much I loved him. I wanted him to hear how much I loved his father, and to know that, even though I could not be with him right then, that I did not abandon him, and above all, that I was not ashamed of him.

  Main Street stretched before me with broken windows in the storefronts, glass and debris in the road. I couldn’t help but feel like I’d let Jackson down. I looked down at the ground, my arms hangin’ uselessly at my sides, and I cried. What kind of difference did we make? I saw no evidence of change, just a haunted street that would forever hold the ghosts of beaten men, and the smell of fear and hatred.

  I turned toward the direction of Division Street and my feet drew me forward, as if they were guided by someone other than me.

  Joshua.

  I ignored the pain and pressure in my lower abdomen, the noise of passin’ cars. I had tunnel vision, and at the end of the long stretch of darkness was my baby. My baby. The thought of him sent a searin’ pain through my breasts. I crossed my arms over them and pressed them against me.

  The corner of Division Street was upon me, callin’ me forth. I never looked back. I didn’t care who saw me. My baby needed me. To hell with Jimmy Lee. He didn’t care. He’d never cared. He’d kill Joshua, and he might even kill me. I was never goin’ back there. I knew that with all my heart and soul. I. Would. Not. Go. Back.

  As I stumbled down Division Street, the houses spun around me. An engine roared behind me. I held onto a tree for support. My legs weakened, my vision blurred. I had the sensation that somethin’ wet was drippin’ down my legs, but was unable to look down without feelin’ like I’d pass out.

  Patricia’s front door opened, and I saw her standin’ on the porch, Joshua bundled in her arms.

  “Joshua,” I whispered. I barely registered screechin’ wheels behind me, a slammin’ truck door.

  “Alison!”

  Jimmy Lee? I turned my head slowly, as if in a fog. Fear ran through me like an electric shock. “Gettin’ my baby,” I said with as much determination as I could muster, and stumbled toward Joshua.

  Jimmy Lee grabbed my arm and held onto me, his fingers diggin’ into my skin. “Alison! Stop!”

  I pulled and kicked and tried to break free. “My baby! I want my baby!” I cried. I looked at Patricia’s house, less than fifty feet away. It felt like a million miles. “Please, my baby, I want my baby,” I sobbed.

  He dragged me backwards. I kicked and flailed blindly toward him.

  “Joshua!” I yelled. The world faded in and out.

  Suddenly Patricia was there beside me, yellin’, “What are you doin’? She’s bleedin’!” Her capable hands pulled at my other arm. I was bein’ stretched like taffy, my head lollin’ back and forth, the world spinnin’ around me—bits of conversation filtered into my ears, muffled as if under water.

  “My wife—”

  “You’ll hurt her!” Patricia’s voice was a thin thread, miles away.

  My baby wailed incessantly. Joshua.

  “… stupid nigger!”

  Patricia came into focus just as the back of Jimmy Lee’s hand connected with her cheek and she tumbled to the ground. I wrenched myself from Jimmy Lee’s grasp and crawled along the gravel toward the blurry bundle before me. Joshua lay screamin’ within Patricia’s grasp.

  “My baby!” I reached for him as Jimmy Lee tugged me backwards, leavin’ a warm trail of blood beneath me. My fingertips connected with Joshua’s blanket and I pulled, hard, until I had him in my arms and tumbled backwards. “Joshua,” I whispered over and over. I pressed my cheek against his as he cried and fought me with all his tiny might.

  Jimmy Lee’s truck roared to life, tires squealin’ and comin’ to a halt beside me. I felt Joshua ripped from my arms. My baby! Hands grabbed me roughly and tossed me into the truck. As we sped away, my baby’s cries, and the world around me, faded to black.

  Chapter Forty-Six

  A light haze filtered in through my eyelashes, as if I were lookin’ through gauze. An endless rhythm of beeps surrounded me. I blinked away the haze, my head poundin’ out a painful beat.

  “Oh, thank God.” Mama’s tight face came into view. She gently touched my arm. “I was so worried,” she said. “It’s okay, you’re in the hospital. Jimmy Lee brought you.”

  “Joshua,” I whispered.

  Mama dropped her eyes. “I know, baby. I know. He’s gone, remember?”

  I shook my head, my eyes instantly fillin’ with tears. Memories trickled back to me. Patricia lyin’ on the ground. Joshua in my arms. Jimmy Lee. Oh God, Jimmy Lee.

  “Where’s Jimmy Lee?”

  “I’m here,” he said from the doorway. “I was just talkin’ to the doctor.”

  “What happened?” I asked.

  “I saw you walkin’ down the road and I was yellin’ to you, but it was like you didn’t even hear me. Then I saw the blood drippin’ down your leg, and you must have been delirious because you headed down Division Street and you grabbed some woman’s baby.”

  “Joshua,” I whispered.

  Jimmy Lee looked at Mama. “She must still be out of it.”

  I shook my head. Mama rubbed my arm. “She lost so much blood,” she said. “Alison,” she said softly. “You hemorrhaged, from the delivery. They were able to stop the bleedin’, but you have to take it easy.” She closed her eyes against the tears poolin’ in her eyes. When she opened them, she touched my cheek. “I’m so sorry, baby. Thank goodness you’re alive. We almost lost you.”

  “Joshua,” I said again.

  “He died, remember?” Jimmy Lee spoke sharply, then turned and paced. “Can’t they do somethin’? Make her go to sleep or somethin’ so she doesn’t torture herself like this?”

  I grasped the edges of the mattress, the IV line in my arm pinched my skin. “I’m not torturin’ myself.”

  “He’s dead, Alison,” Jimmy Lee insisted. “Dead, okay? He’s not comin’ back.”

  I shook my head against the pillow.

  “Alison, we buried him in the family plot, remember? You rest, honey.” Mama turned to Jimmy Lee. “Why don’t you go home and rest, too, Jimmy Lee. You’ve been through a lot lately.”

  “I’m not leavin’,” he said.

  I could still feel the soft weight of Joshua in my arms. My baby didn’t know me. He might not ever know me. My breasts ached, engorged with milk my baby would never drink. I looked at Jimmy Lee and felt the same disgust I’d felt since the day he forced himself upon me at the river. I turned away, my mind burnin’ with the memory of Jackson’s tender touch. I tried to muster Daddy’s voice to center me. Know your place. Every inch of my body revolted against those words. My stomach tightened, my hands and jaw clenched. I closed my eyes and tried again. Be a good wife. Know your place.

  “No!” The yell escaped my lungs before I could stop it.

  Mama gasped. “What is it? Do you hurt?”

  “No!” I said again. “No, no, no! I won’t know my place,” I cried.

  “I’m gettin’ the doctor. She
’s out of it.” Jimmy Lee headed for the door.

  “I don’t need my doctor. I need my baby. I already lost the man I love. I’m not goin’ to lose the child I love, too.”

  Jimmy Lee’s face contorted into a mess of confusion.

  Mama put her hand to my forehead and I shook it off. “I’m sorry, Mama, but it’s true. The baby wasn’t Jimmy Lee’s.”

  Jimmy Lee took a step closer to the bed.

  “I’m sorry. I married you without knowin’ I was already pregnant.”

  “What are you sayin’?” Mama asked.

  “I was with someone else,” I cried.

  “You whore. Who was it?” Jimmy Lee fumed.

  “Watch your mouth, that’s my daughter,” Mama spat.

  “Who? Who was it?” he demanded.

  “It doesn’t matter who,” I said.

  “Like hell it doesn’t matter.” Jimmy Lee grabbed my arm and squeezed. “You cheated on me? You’re nothin’ but a stupid farm girl. You were charity to me! You’re nothin’!”

  “Get out of here!” Mama said, flat and firm. “Don’t you ever talk to my daughter that way.”

  “Your daughter’s a whore and a liar,” he seethed at Mama, and then turned his anger on me. “Don’t you ever speak to me again.” Jimmy Lee spun on his heels and stormed out the door, leavin’ a trail of vicious words in his wake.

  My hands shook from relayin’ details of the night of Joshua’s birth to Mama. The feelin’ of havin’ my heart ripped from my body returned, fresh and unbearable, when I told her of our plan to pretend that Joshua had died. All I’d wanted was to protect him. Disappointment rode strong in her eyes, not from my bein’ with a colored man, strange as that might seem, but for not trustin’ enough to confide in her. Mama stood at my bedside now, holdin’ my hand, tears streamin’ down her cheeks.

  Maggie flew through the doorway, out of breath and spoutin’ questions. “What happened? Is she okay? Patricia said Jimmy Lee hit her. I just passed him in the hall and he looked pissed. Oh, my God, Pixie, are you okay?”