Healed by Love (Love in Bloom: The Bradens) Page 19

  “You’re welcome, but we have a deal.” It wasn’t a supershort, tight miniskirt, like she’d had on the other day. It was a cute pastel blue summer dress that stopped right above Krissy’s knees and looked just right for a pretty tween girl—not too cutesy and not teenager sexy.

  “I know. I promise I’ll wear it with flats. No wedges.” Krissy assessed the skirt and top Jewel was wearing. “Why don’t you get something? You’re not too young for a miniskirt.”

  Jewel laughed. “I think I’ll pass on the right to wear one, but thanks.”

  “I just thought that since you have a boyfriend now, you might want to wear something cuter. Not that I don’t like your skirt and blouse, but…” She shrugged. “My friend’s sister is twenty-one, and she wears really cute stuff from Anthropologie, that store at the far end of the mall near Macy’s.”

  The line moved up. Jewel put the clothes on the counter and glanced at herself in the full-length mirror nearby. She was still dressed for work in a pencil skirt and blouse. She looked…appropriate.

  “Did you find everything you were looking for?” the cashier asked.

  “Yes, thank you.” Jewel hadn’t thought about wearing something cuter for Nate. So much of this was new to her, but a few pieces of sexy lingerie would be fun. Not that she’d shop for those with her twelve-year-old sister, but now that she was considering that, buying something a little sexier than her work clothes or shorts didn’t seem like a bad idea.

  She paid for Krissy’s clothes, and as they left the store, Jewel said, “Show me which shop you were talking about.”

  An hour later, Jewel had her own sexy little dress, a new pair of heels, and a pretty new bra. Now all she had to do was find a reason to wear them. She smiled, knowing Nate was reason enough.

  When they got back to their mother’s house, Krissy pulled open the front door. “Thanks again, Jewel. I had a lot of fun today.”

  Jewel’s heart did a little flip. Other than the canoe trip, she rarely heard that the kids had fun with her. Usually they were running from school to dance to an appointment or she was shoving lunches in their hands.

  “Me too, Krissy. Thanks for the help with my outfit.”

  Taylor and Katie were in the kitchen, stirring something in a big mixing bowl. The counters were covered with flour. There were eggshells in the sink, a bag of sugar on the table, and other baking ingredients scattered on the counters and table.

  “Hey, Tay. Hi, Katie. What’s going on?” Jewel’s pulse quickened.

  “We’re making cookies for my class party tomorrow.” Taylor smiled proudly.

  Jewel started straightening up. “I would have done that. You know you’re not supposed to use the oven when an adult’s not home.”

  “Patrick’s here, and he’s fifteen,” Taylor answered.

  Jewel stormed into the living room and toward the stairs. Yes, Patrick was there, but knowing him, the house could burn down and he’d be upstairs unaware, playing video games until the firemen arrived and pulled him out of the smoke and flames.

  “Patrick!” she hollered upstairs.

  “Dude, I’m right here.”

  She turned and found Patrick lying on the couch, reading a gaming magazine.

  “Chill, she’s just making cookies.” Patrick kicked his legs over the side of the couch and sat up.

  “You should be in there overseeing them if you’re going to let her use the oven. Anything could happen.” Jewel set her hand on her hip, and he rolled his eyes.

  “She’s responsible, and I’m right here. What’s going to happen?”

  Jewel didn’t have an answer to that besides something bad, and she knew that would only provoke an eye roll in response. “Ugh.” She went back into the kitchen and started cleaning off the counters.

  “We want to do that,” Taylor said.

  “I’ve got it.” Jewel put the bag of sugar back in the pantry as Taylor and Katie plopped batter onto a pan. “Did you spray the pan?”

  “Uh-huh,” Taylor answered.

  Katie picked up the can of PAM. “We were really careful, Jewel. My mom showed me how to make these at Christmas.”

  The oven timer went off, and Taylor reached for the oven mitts.

  “Wait, Tay. I’ll do that.” Jewel grabbed the mitts, and Taylor pressed her lips together.

  “I’ve already taken one pan out.” Taylor pointed to the cookies on the cooling rack, which Jewel had missed.

  “We were careful,” Katie added.

  Jewel looked from the oven to the girls. “Oh. Good job.”

  Patrick walked into the kitchen and leaned against the doorframe. “I stood right here while they did it.”

  “Oh.” Maybe she’d jumped the gun.

  Taylor held her hand out toward Jewel. “It’s Katie’s turn to take the cookies out. Can she? Please?”

  Jewel’s heart hammered in her chest. If Katie got burned on her watch, she’d feel terrible. Taylor, Katie, and Patrick were looking at her like she was from Mars. She finally relented, but stood beside Katie while she took the cookies out of the oven and placed the pan on the top of the stove.

  “Now I hold the pan.” Taylor put on an oven mitt and held the pan still. “And Katie takes the cookies off with the spatula and puts them on the cooling rack. Just like you and Mom taught me, Jewel.”

  Jewel was proud of Taylor for being so careful. She’d done a good job of being here for her siblings. Rick and her father would be proud of her—and that made her very proud of herself.

  Jewel stayed to oversee the kitchen cleanup, which Taylor and Katie giggled their way through. Krissy assured her that she’d get Taylor started on her homework. With everything in order, Jewel grabbed her keys and went in search of Patrick, whom she’d seen walk outside a few minutes earlier.

  She found him sitting on the front porch talking on his cell phone. He lowered the mouthpiece and looked up at Jewel.

  “Hey, you don’t care if I help Nate’s brother Sam out at Rough Riders after school for two hours a couple of times each week, do you?” Patrick’s eyes were full of hope. “I can ride my bike there.” His hope was even more evident in his voice. Jewel could tell how important this was to him. “Mom said it was okay, but before I tell Sam I can do it, I wanted to ask you so I don’t say okay and then you convince Mom it’s a bad idea. Like with the school bus.”

  Jewel’s jaw dropped open, and her gut reaction was to deny what was an obvious truth. She’d become an annoying obstacle in her brother’s life. She sat down on the front step beside him, shocked to realize how easily he’d accepted that she might stand in his way. Had she been that controlling? She closed her mouth and swallowed the acidic taste of the truth.

  Yes. I have.

  How could she not have realized it? How could her mother not have stepped in and put an end to it?

  Patrick still had the phone pressed to his ear. She needed to talk with him, but she would rather do it without an audience. “Can you call your friend back?”

  “I’ll call you back.” He ended the call, and his eyes went flat, like he was waiting for her to say it wasn’t a good idea, and that expectation pained her—even though the idea of him riding his bike across town made her feel queasy.

  She exhaled a long breath. “Mom said it was okay?”

  “Mm-hm.”

  His expectation that she would say no swelled between them. Jewel’s pulse quickened at the thought of this one decision leading to so many more circumstances that she’d have no control over. Nate’s words sounded in her mind. They’re not scared, Jewel. Don’t make them live their lives afraid of everything.

  “Mom’s the boss, so…” The pit of her stomach dove. Her breathing came faster as her life spun out of control around her. She clutched her keys between her fingers, feeling them cut into her skin. In her mind she saw Rick’s letter—Do the things I missed out on—and she knew he didn’t mean that just for her. He wanted what was best for the kids, and living in a world where they were afraid to move o
utside of the safe bubble she’d constructed wasn’t healthy for them.

  On a cognitive level she knew that, but on an emotional level she was in a full-blown panic. Her heart was racing at relinquishing control, and she felt dizzy at the idea of Patrick riding his bike up Mountain Road.

  “What are you saying?” Patrick’s eyes widened.

  The disbelief in his voice told Jewel that he was afraid to believe he’d interpreted her cryptic response correctly, and that sent her into even more of a tizzy. Even though her mind was working through her schedule to see if she could finagle a way to drive him to Rough Riders after school and pick him up after he was done helping Sam, she suppressed the urge to tell him so.

  “That it’s really not my decision.” Her chest constricted, and at the same time, a weight lifted from her shoulders. The conflicting feelings rooted her to the porch.

  Her mother pulled into the driveway, snapping Jewel out of her stupor.

  “You’re not going to talk Mom out of it? Or tell me I can’t ride my bike that far? Or try to drive me?” Patrick rose to his feet, staring at Jewel with wide eyes.

  It was all she could do to shake her head.

  “Really?” He searched her eyes for the answer.

  “Really,” she whispered.

  “Yes!” He did a fist pump and pushed a button on his phone, then ran inside the house.

  “Wow,” her mother said as she sat down beside Jewel. “What was that all about?”

  “I’m not really sure, but maybe it was about growing up? Or giving up?”

  Her mother’s broad smile told Jewel that she’d expected something like this to happen. Jewel didn’t ask for details. She didn’t want to know what her brother and her mother had discussed. It was no longer her business to know every detail, and there was a certain scary freedom that came along with that.

  “How’d shopping go?” Her mother carried a messenger bag, which Jewel knew held the things she needed for her classes.

  “It was fun, actually. More fun than usual. Krissy even helped me pick out a new outfit for myself.” She dug out her wallet. “Here’s the change from Krissy’s stuff.”

  “Oh, honey, keep it for gas.” Anita smiled. “What did you get for yourself?”

  “I don’t need it, Mom, but thanks.” Jewel handed her the money, and her mom pushed it back toward her.

  “My last promotion put us in a good place, Jewel. I told you that. Keep it, please? And tell me what you bought.”

  Jewel relented. “Thanks. I got a dress.”

  Anita raised her brows. “A dress? Something slinky, perhaps?”

  “Mom.” Jewel shook her head. “When have I ever worn something slinky?”

  Her mother leaned in close and lowered her voice. “But now you have Nate.”

  Jewel couldn’t help but smile. How could her younger sister and her mother think about sexier things than she did? She decided to ignore the comment and opened her Jeep door.

  “Hey, Jewel?”

  “Yeah?”

  “You’re a great big sister, and I appreciate everything you do for me and the kids. But now that you have Nate, please don’t feel obligated to spend all your free time here. Regardless of the eye rolls and skulking around, and Patrick’s and Krissy’s preteen attitudes, the kids are very responsible. They learned from the best.”

  Hearing her mother tell her to let go sent a pang of sadness through her, even though it came on the heels of a compliment. Jewel knew her mother was just trying to do what was best for them all, but it didn’t make it any easier to accept.

  “The kids are fine, honey. Nurture your relationship with Nate. You both deserve that.”

  Jewel leaned against the side of the Jeep, trying to gather the courage to have a necessary but difficult talk with her mother. The ability to gather her confidence wasn’t new. She’d spent her whole life readying herself for one thing or another, but this was different. She was about to open a wound that she had no idea how she had gotten, and part of her wanted to blame her mother, which made her feel guilty on top of being confused.

  “Mom, do you have a sec to really talk to me?”

  Her mother’s brows knitted together. “Of course. Anything you need, honey.”

  “I…” Jewel looked away. “This is harder to do than I thought it was going to be.” She forced herself to meet her mother’s concerned gaze. “Why have you let me box everyone in?”

  Her mom shook her head in confusion. “I’m not sure I understand what you’re asking, honey.”

  “The kids. You let me take everything normal away from them.” She didn’t mean to raise her voice. She hadn’t even realized she’d felt this much resentment toward her mother. But now that she’d started this line of questioning, it bubbled to the surface.

  “Honey, I’ve done the best I know how with you guys. It’s not like I could just tell you that you were being overprotective of them.” Her mother leaned against the Jeep, her eyes soft and warm.

  “Why not?” She felt her body trembling and drew in another deep breath to try to gain control of her rising temper. “I would have listened.”

  “Oh, Jewel. You don’t remember?” Her mother’s voice softened to just above a whisper.

  “Remember what?”

  “Sit with me for a minute.” She walked over to the grass beside the driveway and patted the spot beside her. “Please?”

  Jewel lowered herself to the ground beside her. “Remember what?”

  “Honey, even before your father died, you were a careful kid, but you still rode your bike to and from your friends’ houses, and you wanted to go to school dances and other fun things. But after Dad died, you stopped all of that. I remember when Rick took you guys out on the boats after Daddy died. Sam Braden didn’t own the business back then, but Nate, Sam, and Cole were there. Rick had asked them to go with him. He was still a little afraid himself, which was why he didn’t take you guys out on the ocean. But he knew that in order to move forward, you guys had to know the water was still safe. You pitched a fit. You wouldn’t go in the boat, but Rick and Nate somehow convinced you to go with them in the boat. I knew then that things were changing for you.”

  “I don’t remember pitching a fit.” She could barely remember that afternoon, other than the relief of coming back home afterward.

  “Well, I’m not surprised. I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t remember most of the things you did in the weeks after Daddy died. And I wasn’t exactly in a good place back then, either. Rick and Nate spent a lot of time with you guys, with you especially. The kids were little, and they moved on faster, but you…” She reached up and brushed Jewel’s hair from her shoulder. “Honey, you stopped doing a lot of the things you used to do. I tried to talk to you about it, but you shut me out.”

  “I shut you out? I don’t remember that. I thought it was too hard for you to talk about.”

  Her mom smiled warmly. “I think it was such a hard time for all of us, that we all remember what we needed to in order to move forward. Maybe it was too hard for both of us.”

  “But why don’t you ever talk about Rick and Dad?”

  “I tried, but it was too painful for all of us. Every time I talked about Rick or Dad, you pulled your walls in tighter. But you’re right. I should have pushed and been strong enough to figure out another way to help, and I’m sorry. Your father had been my best friend since high school. I loved him so much. When I lost him, it was hard for me to think, much less create this whole new life without him. But, eventually, I did. We did. I’m afraid I didn’t do the best job of taking care of you.”

  Jewel’s chest felt as though it were in a vise. “Yes, you did. You did the very best job you were capable of at the time. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

  “I’m glad you did. I did the best I was capable of at the time, but I didn’t handle it as well as I could have. I was trying to live a life that I never anticipated, and between working full-time, taking care of the kids, and tr
ying to keep our family’s spirits up, I must have forgotten that you hadn’t anticipated a life without him, either. And after Rick was killed…”

  Jewel’s eyes filled with tears.

  “You had already stepped into Rick’s shoes when he left for the military. And after he died, when I fell apart—again—you, my strong, caring girl, were bound and determined not to lose another brother or sister. I talked to therapists about your need to control your environment—and the kids’—and I tried to implement the things they suggested. But everything I did caused you to rein them in tighter and pull away from me. I thought you’d outgrow it. Don’t you remember me begging you to stay in the dorms when you went to college, instead of commuting from home?”

  “Yes, but I thought you still needed help.”

  Her mother shook her head and reached for Jewel’s hand. “No, honey. I was okay by then, but you weren’t ready to let go. And when Krissy needed stitches the one time you went to a party and stayed at the dorms, when you were out having fun at college—as you should have been—you buried yourself even deeper in their lives. How many times have I told you not to cook for us, to go have fun? How many times did I tell you the kids could take the bus? Or that you should go out and meet a boy?”

  “Too many to count.” But you didn’t insist that I let them do things on their own. Jewel heard the words in her head and realized that she was blaming her mother for her own faults, and that made her feel even worse.

  “Honey, I’m sorry. I’m not blaming you, but have you ever tried to argue with yourself? You’re a stubborn girl. You get that from your father.” Her mom smiled, and it softened Jewel’s pain. “There are no rules to follow when raising children or grieving the loss of your son or husband. Just like there are no rules when grieving for your brother or your father. We’re not perfect. I chose to not lose you in the process of grieving Rick, and I realize now that I was being selfish. I’m the parent. I should have forced you to go out more and to let the kids live as freely as you had when you were younger, and I’m sorry I didn’t. But over the past few years I’ve tried to encourage you to do more.”

  “I know you have. I guess I should have listened, but I was so scared, Mom. Do you think I’ve messed up the kids too badly?”