Have No Shame Read online

  The small bedroom in the back of the apartment where the meetin’ was takin’ place smelled like cigarettes and hummed from the voices outside the door. I laid on the bed, Maggie and Darla crouched beside me.

  “What’s goin’ on? Do you need a doctor?” Maggie asked.

  “No, I’m just tired. All that travel must have worn me out worse than I thought.” Their concerned stares were too much to take. How could I tell my sister about my secret love for Jackson? I was sure that even the thought would get me a one-way ride to hell. “Can we just go home?” I asked.

  Maggie shook her head. “It’s a really long walk. I think we’re better off restin’ here until after the meetin’ and bummin’ a ride. I don’t have fare for a streetcar.”

  I closed my eyes and listened to the noises of the meetin’, remindin’ myself that I was supposed to love Jimmy Lee. I love Jimmy Lee. I love Jimmy Lee played in my mind. I turned toward the dirty, gray wall and thought, I love Jackson Johns. I love Jackson Johns. I’m in so much trouble.

  The door opened and when Jackson’s voice floated over my back and into my ears I held my breath. “Is everything alright?”

  I couldn’t turn and face him. I was afraid to be that close to him. I didn’t trust myself.

  “Yeah, my sister just got here from Arkansas. She’s exhausted.” Maggie rubbed my back, then said, “Hey, Jackson, do you know Alison? You worked on our farm a bit when you were home, remember?” She tapped my shoulder. “Pix? Turn around and say hi.”

  No, no, no!

  “Uh, no, we never met,” Jackson lied.

  Maggie pulled my shoulder and turned me just enough to see him. I blinked back the love that wanted to drip from my eyes. I covered my belly, ashamed of the child that grew within me, ashamed of what that child represented between us—my weakness, the love I threw away to save face with my own father.

  Jackson walked over to the bed and looked down at my stomach. I thought I had forgotten the hold that look of desperation had on my heart. His dark brows furrowed, his eyes softly takin’ me in. Behind the concern of his serious cheeks, I felt a warmth, a carin’ smile that dared not show for fear of revealin’ whatever emotions lie in wait. “When is your baby due? Alison, right?”

  I nodded.

  “She’s due in March. Little Pix here got pregnant on her weddin’ night!”

  “Maggie!” I flushed.

  “Yeah?” Jackson crossed his arms. His next words were caressed with sadness that I think only I noticed. “You are certainly blessed.”

  “Hey, Jackson, do you want to meet up with us tomorrow, after Pixie, uh, Alison, is feelin’ better? I want to talk about what she can do back home, in town, to help prepare.”

  “Maggie? What if I’m not feelin’ better?”

  “I can come to your apartment,” Jackson offered, holdin’ my gaze.

  “Yes, perfect. We’ll figure it out then,” Maggie agreed.

  Jackson reached for my hand. “Until then, Alison?”

  I shook his hand, in the eyes of Maggie and Darla, the hand of a carin’ stranger. Warmth spread through my body, and I knew I was in trouble.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  The next afternoon, trepidation pinched my nerves. By noon I had already cleaned Maggie’s apartment, washed down her counters and bathroom, and still had more nervous energy than I knew what to do with.

  “What is with you, Pix? One minute you’re shaky and weak, the next you’re like Mama, only hyper.”

  “Nervous, I guess. I’m not sure this boycott is the best idea.” I kept my back to her as I wiped down the inside of the front door.

  “It’s scary, but just think of the families you will help. For generations to come, people will talk about the ones who made it happen.”

  “But, arrests? Missin’ men? I mean, it sounds pretty scary to me. You know what Jimmy Lee and Daddy will do if they find out I’m helpin’, right? They’ll lock me in the cellar for good.” My mind drifted back to the day Jimmy Lee found Maggie’s letters and the attack that followed. I shivered.

  “They’ll never know.”

  I turned to face her. I swear my belly had grown overnight. It protruded like a small watermelon carried by my widenin’ hips. “Yeah? Jimmy Lee already thinks I’m wantin’ to be involved in civil rights, remember?”

  “We’ll have to go covert, then. Can I send you letters at work instead of at your apartment?”

  I thought about that route. “Maybe.”

  “And as for Daddy, well, why would he find out? Daddy stays on the farm. He’s not a busy body or attune to town gossip. Jimmy Lee might be a different story. You’ll probably have to figure out a way to meet with some of the colored supporters without Jimmy Lee findin’ out.”

  “Supporters? Division Street? Do you really think that’s a possibility?”

  “Jackson’s mama has been coordinatin’ the meetin’s. She works at the furniture store, in the warehouse, too. And since Albert works for Daddy, maybe you guys could meet at one of their houses.”

  “Oh, yeah,” I smirked. “I can just see me waddlin’ down toward that end of town. People would notice me from a mile away.”

  “What about outside of town?”

  “How would I get there?”

  “What about at the river, that’s not far from the apartment, you could say you’re takin’ a walk, or do it while Jimmy Lee is at work.”

  I could do that.

  By the time Jackson arrived, a knot had tightened across my shoulders in anticipation of his visit. Maggie let him in and I busied myself pourin’ lemonade and settin’ out the cornbread I had baked.

  “Smells like my mama’s kitchen,” Jackson said as he sat on the couch.

  Seatin’ would be a problem. The couch was small and there were no other chairs. I set the tray on the small table and lowered myself to the ground facin’ the couch.

  Jackson stood, “Please, sit here.”

  “I’m fine,” I said. “I’m pregnant, not injured.”

  “Alison!” Mama’s shock rode on Maggie’s face. She turned to Jackson. “I’m sorry, her manners must have slipped away with her pregnancy.”

  Jackson laughed, and it brought warmth to my cheeks. I felt like a schoolgirl experiencin’ her first sip of moonshine, only I’d already tasted the sweet nectar and longed for more. Would I flush every time I was near him? I wondered, or was it the old everyone-wants-what-they-can’t-have syndrome that Mama had warned me about so many times?

  “I’m sorry. Thank you, Jackson,” I said.

  Jackson and Maggie concocted a way for me to communicate with the families. Jackson would call his mother, and she’d spread the word among them. She’d get a message to me through the back door of the diner, and so the system was born. I couldn’t take my eyes off of Jackson. I could feel him purposefully not lookin’ at me, and when he did stray my way, his eyes met mine, never lowerin’ to my stomach, never lettin’ on that he had any feelin’s for me whatsoever. I couldn’t blame him. I had been the one to throw away the brief, albeit immense, love we shared. I’d been the one to marry a man I didn’t truly love, and now I’d have his spawn. I loved the baby inside me, or at least I thought I was lovin’ it more and more with each passin’ day. It still didn’t feel very real to me. But that love was tamped down the moment I saw Jackson. The baby felt like a bridge between us that I knew we could never cross. I must be losin’ my mind, because I had no business thinkin’ in those terms at all.

  “How does that sound, Alison?” Maggie asked.

  I had been so busy wallowin’ in self pity that I had no idea what they’d been talkin’ about.

  “Um, what part? The river?”

  Maggie laughed. “The whole thing. I know how you feel about the river.”

  “We’re worried that with findin’ Mr. Bingham,” Jackson’s voice softened, “it might bring back too many hard feelin’s.” He looked at Maggie. “Maybe we should choose another location. I don’t feel really safe with her goin’ there
anyway.”

  “No, I’m fine,” I said, knowin’ full well that it would be harder than milkin’ a horse to return to the river. Not only did Mr. Bingham’s body linger in my mind, but a shadow of Jimmy Lee’s nastiness remained. “Actually, can we meet at the creek at the end of our property? It runs parallel to the apartments behind the woods. I think it’s even closer than the river, so it might be easier for me.” Maybe it was bad of me to suggest the creek, since it was where Jackson and I had spent our first afternoon together, but I couldn’t help it. I wanted to see how he’d react, and besides, it was more convenient.

  Jackson shot a look at me and rearranged himself on the couch. The way he twitched in his seat told me that, like me, he was thinkin’ about the first time we walked down by the creek. As cruel as that might seem, it warmed my heart to see him squirm. He couldn’t forget our time together any better than I could. “I don’t—”

  “I think we should do whatever will make Alison feel safest,” Maggie looked at me protectively. “Pix, do you remember Mr. Kale? The old man who used to run the post office?”

  “Sure. Candy Kale the lollipop man? Why?”

  “His son is part of the Panthers’ support group and he’ll be there at each meetin’.”

  “Is that safe for him? I mean—”

  “Yes,” Jackson answered. “He’s well protected. I worry more about you, Alison. You’re with child. I’m not sure this is the best thing for you to take part in.”

  “I want to do this. I want my baby to be born into an integrated world and brush arms with everyone, not be afraid to play with other children just because of the color of their skin. Every time I see a white water fountain and a colored water fountain it makes me sick. Don’t get me wrong, I’m petrified to do this, but I think I have to.” I took a deep breath and said, “I can’t be weak any longer. It’s time Daddy knew what I believed in.” I wanted to prove to Jackson that my feelin’s still rode deep, and that I was gonna make a change in my priorities. I realized that as soon as Daddy knew what I was fixin’ to be a part of, there’d be no keepin’ those thoughts from Jimmy Lee, and I was slowly comin’ to realize that my baby bein’ born into an integrated lifestyle did not go hand in hand with Jimmy Lee raisin’ this child. I had no idea what I’d do about it, but the thought was ridin’ heavily on my shoulders.

  “Whoa, Pix, you can’t tell Daddy what you’re doin’. No way.”

  I knew she was right. “I know, okay. I didn’t mean that literally. Sheesh, he and Jimmy Lee would kill me.” Jimmy Lee’s name slipped out before I could catch it, and Jackson looked away. “I meant that I want to do this. I’ve been a coward with all of the important aspects of my life, and I don’t wanna be anymore.”

  Maggie ran her eyes over my belly, then gave me a look that said she was proud of me, but also…that it might just be too late. I twisted the weddin’ ring I wished I wasn’t wearin’.

  On the way out the door, Jackson hugged Maggie, and then she went to the kitchen to wrap up a piece of cornbread for him to take home. Jackson pulled me close and whispered, “Even with his child inside you, I still love you.”

  Too shocked from the embrace to reciprocate, I stood there like an idiot, paralyzed by his admission. Maggie returned and handed him the cornbread. “We should do this again,” she said.

  I couldn’t tell if the tiny flutter in my belly was caused by butterflies or the baby.

  “There’s a get together Thursday night. A bunch of people are holdin’ a live performance of enactin’ desegregatin’ America.”

  Jackson caught my worried look. I saw him searchin’ my eyes for a response to his confession, but I had no words to say. They were tethered to my achin’ heart and refused to break free.

  “Don’t worry, the word isn’t out,” Jackson finally said. “There are just about thirty of us and it’s in the projects. There’s music, but there’ll be no words. I'd love for you to come see it.”

  “What are the projects?” I had so much to learn.

  Jackson lifted one eyebrow, and smirked. “It’s like Division Street back home.”

  “Is it safe?”

  “Safer than Division Street.” Again, his sarcasm cut me like a knife.

  “I promised to work late Thursday night—big court day Friday. But you should go, Pix. Jackson, will you take good care of her?”

  “No, really. I would feel funny.”

  “Nonsense. I’ll pick you up at eight.” His tone left no room for negotiation.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  “You’re goin’ tonight, Pix. This is good for you, to break out of that small town fear. I was scared the first time I went, but really, Jackson will take good care of you.”

  That’s what I’m worried about. Maggie wasn’t buyin’ my fake sick routine. She was goin’ to work and I’d have all day to stew over bein’ alone with Jackson.

  “Besides, remember when we used to walk by the church near Division Street on Sundays and the gospel just pulled us in? Remember how we moved to the music, and if anyone drove by we’d pretend we were just messin’ around? You don’t have to do that anymore. Now you can enjoy it. I promise you, you’ll return a changed woman.”

  I think I already am.

  The knock on the door made my heart leap into my throat. My hands trembled as I reached for the knob.

  I pulled the door open. I can do this. Jackson stood before me in a dark-green t-shirt and jeans. His eyes met mine, and I swear a current of electricity passed between us.

  “You look radiant,” he said.

  I looked down at my maternity blouse and skirt, feelin’ like an overgrown balloon, and turned to hide my blushin’ cheeks. “Let me grab my bag,” I said.

  Jackson came inside and closed the door behind him. He stood in the entryway, respectfully givin’ me space.

  “I’m glad you agreed to come.”

  “Mm-hmm.” My voice was caught in my throat. It took all my courage not to fall into his arms.

  “Listen, we should talk,” he said. “The way we left things, I’m really sorry. I understood where you were comin’ from. Things were too dangerous for us.” He paused. I listened with my back to him as I put Maggie’s house key in my purse. “You did the right thing. I’m happy for you.”

  “Don’t be.” Oh, my goodness, where did that come from? I spun around and fumbled for words. “I mean, don’t be happy. No, not that, it’s just…oh, I don’t know how to say it.”

  Jackson took a step closer to me. I could smell his aftershave, a different, sexier scent than the smell of him after he’d worked all day.

  “What is it?” he asked. He placed his hand on my upper arm, and my heart swooned with its warmth, incitin’ memories of his tender touch as we dropped to the field months before. I could still feel his body tremblin’ under my hands, his muscular thighs bare against my own.

  I looked down at the floor, hidin’ my blush. He lifted my chin with his finger. “Alison, you can tell me anything. I won’t think poorly of you. I won’t try to take you away from the life you have.”

  “But—”

  “I meant what I said, that I love you even if you are carryin’ Jimmy Lee’s baby. I haven’t been with another woman since we parted, and I don’t want to. It’s you who touched me with your open heart.”

  He touched my cheek, and I closed my eyes again, relishin’ in his touch. When I opened them, he was smilin’.

  “I believed what I told you, that things needed to change. I was goin’ in this direction anyway, but I didn’t really have the courage then to do what I’m doin’ now. You gave me that courage. You made me realize that no matter what I thought in my heart, no matter what I might have felt, this issue was so much bigger than that. Love can’t conquer all.”

  “I was afraid to lose Daddy,” I explained.

  “Shh,” he said, and dropped his hand. I wished he hadn’t. “I understand. Your father, your family, that’s your world. My world isn’t backwoods Arkansas. My world is everywhere.
I want to know that anywhere I go, I can go with the one I love.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. You helped me to understand myself better. I know I can’t have a partial relationship.” He rubbed his hands on the thighs of his jeans, then said, “Alison, there was a big Supreme Court case in June, and it, combined with our boycotts and protests, has the ability to change everything.”

  “What do you mean? Martin Luther King tried to change everything and Forrest Town is still segregated.”

  “Come, sit.” He guided me to the couch. “The Lovings, they’re an interracial couple who married in ’57 in Virginia.”

  My eyes grew wide. “That was ten years ago.”

  “Illegal, right? Well, they were sentenced to a year in prison in ’59, but it was suspended for 25 years if they agreed to leave the state. Mildred, the wife, she wrote in protest to Attorney General Robert F. Kennedy. Kennedy referred her to the American Civil Liberties Union, and that’s when everything started to change.

  “The ACLU filed a motion on their behalf, and a slew of lawsuits followed, eventually reachin’ the Supreme Court. Get this, five years later, the Loving’s case still hadn’t been decided, so they began a class action suit in the D.C. district court—and even that was shot down.”

  “I really don’t understand all this legal stuff.”

  “What it comes down to is that they didn’t give up. They appealed, and in June, the 12th of June to be exact, the court overturned their convictions, dismissin’ Virginia’s argument that the law was not discriminatory because it applied equally to, and provided identical penalties for, both white and colored people. The Supreme Court ruled that the law against interracial marriages violated several clauses in the Fourteenth Amendment. They won. They won, Alison, and they’ve opened doors for more interracial couples.”

  “But what does that have to do with Arkansas?”